I am not shy. If you met me you would most likely think that I was an overconfident prick. I dominate social situations, I am loud and energetic. I react widely to things and people find me entertaining.
The thing is, in social situations I need control or else I am lost. I drown in social etiquette, in-jokes and knowing where all these damn lines are which dictate whether or not things, said or done, are acceptable. I think I missed that in growing up where I learnt how to fit in; to walk and talk with the rest. That’s why I fear most people getting attached to me. I don’t want people to discover what I actually am. That I don’t understand people; that I hate texting because it just makes it so much worse and that most of all I don’t want the nagging voice in my head to become louder and louder and louder until I scream.
That’s why I sit by myself in lecture theatres despite being so vivacious in seminars. I don’t do friends. I have too much to hide and too much that I am ashamed of. I dread that day when we will be asked to be bare below the elbow and in that split second, I become that girl with the scars.
I hear the whispers of judgement from others already. They don’t know yet. All they know is that I am odd, eccentric. I feel stuck in a world of people.