Killing Time

I’m sat in Victoria Station’s Costa waiting for the dreaded final meeting with Occupational Health. I’m not feeling any nerves which is bizarre especially three coffees into the day- I have a love, hate, dependent kind of relationship with caffeine. My meeting is at four and I am writing this at just past one…

It is blowing my brains out how different this evening could pan out dependent on the outcome of this meeting (I bought in some emergency supplies of Estrella and gin incase it goes sour). I might be back at medical school in no less than 11 days time or I could be on the job hunt, applying for HCA roles in local hospitals. I unfortunately couldn’t get time off work tomorrow as we are short of too many staff so as a compromise, my boss is ok with me coming into work somewhat hungover and an emotional wreck.

Oh and it is my birthday on the 17th, my 21st. I tried to spread the word that I wasn’t going to ‘have a birthday’ this year but it has been tricky as a I have a party-loving, extrovert as a twin sister. What is so great about 21 though? I guess it is a mile-stone of maturity. Dam, I might still be living at home at 21. I thought that I would have flown the nest, found a partner and a secure plan for the future by now. My Mum was married at 19, my Dad had got onto the property market at 20. I’m behind in this absurd rat race, tripping over all the shit left behind. I am one of those slow people, dragging their knuckles along the ground, head bowed so far down that they walk into lamp posts.

Ahhhh.

I know that life isn’t a race but by god is it easier to say that than actually believe it.

And I do want to explain why it is such a big deal as to whether I go to Uni this year. To some, it may seem ridiculous that I would be so devastated if I am delayed a year as I still have a place to take up, but this is a Medical Degree my friends. Not only is it long (five years min), but University policy dictates that should I take a year or more out from study, then I should be referred to the Professional Capability Committee. They could stop me from continuing with the course.

Talking with my psychologist a couple of weeks ago, we went through the classic negative thought patterns- the paranoid thinking style being one of them. I tried to explain to her why it is so hard to think that people aren’t going to put you down and work against you when experience, past and present, demonstrate that they do.

In all honesty, I am tired. So fucking tired.

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