I wake up every morning wondering if today will be the day that I achieve more than getting dressed and walking the dog. Every night I go to sleep thinking of how I have let another day pass me by. Somewhere along the line I have lost my way and have resorted to meandering through the days, weeks and months of my existence. I have lost my purpose.
That may not be completely true as have the goal of getting back to medical school but this is long term and currently intangible. I have created excuses for everything and convinced myself that it is alright to be passive for a while to see where my life will take me. I have turned into the back-seat driver of my own life; nervous and overly cautious but abstaining from any responsibility.
I am slowly attempting to destroy the excuses for my idleness. For one, I have booked a skin camouflage appointment to hopefully cover the purple-slug scars on my forearms. Not permanently or completely as I am realistic as to how much make-up can do but this might give me the confidence to get a job without the fear of my long-sleeved tops rising even a centimetre when reaching for things. I am however conflicted as though the NHS commonly refer people to the service it is a charity that was primarily set up to help those with facial disfigurements and scarring from childhood accidents. Despite it saying explicitly on the website that they provide the same service regardless of whether the disfigurement was self-inflicted or not I still feel undeserving. The appointment is tomorrow and I am slightly dreading it.
I have also found a support group for those who self-harm. It is local but will still require two buses and a two mile walk to get there. I want to give it a go to see if it will help. I am sceptical. I don’t know how much I will have in common with the others who attend and if they will judge me because I fit the stereotype of the young female cutter. I know that I am my harshest critic and that no-one could be as biting and cruel as my thoughts but I still worry. I am motivating myself to go with the knowledge that they provide free tea and biscuits, that should be reason enough to turn up if I were a true Brit!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.